So I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out and just really hating my life right now.
I'm so stressed out and depressed and just feeling lower then scum. I put too much pressure on myself, so when I fail it's the end of the world.
I got a stupid D in Chemistry, a D and that stupid fucking D has now turned my life upside down and destroyed it. I receive financial aid, cause without it, I can't afford to go to school. But because of that D I get placed on Probation, At first when I was registering it was no big deal and was just a warning. I was told it wouldn't effect my financial aid or how many classes I could take, just a warning to get my GPA up. NOW just today I get an Email saying I have to attend an online workshop, no problem did it. Then I'm told I can only do 10 credits and I have to drop a class. GREAT, still no huge deal, stressful yes. Then I'm told I get no financial aid for the semester and am basically screwed. HOW THE HELL DO I GET MY GPA UP WHEN THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME HELP! Without the financial aid I can not afford my books and supplies and can't afford my transportation or child care. So they want me to get my GPA up, but don't want to give me the help to do so. Just one little D screws me over and everything just falls apart. Hubby said without the financial aid we can't afford my schooling, due to the new cost of our house and new bills for the house.
So there we go, life sucks. I'm at the lowest I have been. Things just don't ever want to go good. And Hubby wonders why I'm always waiting for the end of a happy feeling. He doesn't understand that my whole life is a series of happy moments that turn into deep dark holes. He wonders why I don't want to be happy, why I'm fine being Ok.... Truth is I can't handle the holes, Before I would cut to deal with it, but seeing as it's not healthy and Hubby has made me swear to never do it, I'm suck actually feeling it. My chest hurts, my head hurts, I've thrown up blood due to a stomach ulcer from stress, and I just want to close my eyes and forget what I live.
It's times like these that I don't question why my father killed his self.
Showing posts with label School. Show all posts
Showing posts with label School. Show all posts
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
School and Self Discovery and maybe abit of Sex
SCHOOL:
So I'm in school for nursing and for my degree I have to take a bunch of classes. This is my third semester and I'm amazed at how smart I can be. I always believed my mother when she would tell me how stupid I was or so on. I never really tried in school or did my best, I did the minimal to pass and get out of school as fast as I could. Because of all that, My math skills suck, my vocabulary and grammar and spelling is just not at the level it should be. I've taken actually IQ test, administered by professionals and I am at a Genius level. In the Army I was given a battery of test and again, I was in the Genius level. I'm a Genius, I'm extremely street smart and full of talent. At a young age, I had invisible friends and was full of creativity.... Actually I still have an invisible friend and I'm still very creative. Don't tell anyone. LOL.
With going to college and actually having my husband support me and tell me I'm smart and be proud of me when I get an A on a Math Test, WOW. I'm focused on school and doing my very best and I'm seeing the results I know I can get, but instead of Junior High and High school and not getting the praise I crave, I'm getting it now. Hearing my husband is proud of me and him actually tell me how well I did and instead of calling me stupid for a mistake, he'll take the time to explain it and make me feel smart. The Last and Only time my mother has every told me she was proud of me, was when I was in the Army and it was only one time. My husband tells me he loves me and he's proud of me, everyday atleast once, but more often he says it all the time. His mother never said she loved him or she was proud of him, it was always you can do better, So I always let him know I love him, Our daughters love him, and that he is doing amazing. I'm sure in the future I will get more into this all.
SELF-DISCOVERY:
I'm taking Psychology this semester and instead of a final exam, we have to write a 9 page paper on ourselves and the Psych disorders and therapies that made us who we are today. Like Phobias, not having proper adult figures to learn from, and so on. So with this assignment, it's gonna open new doors for myself and urge me to discovery who I am, what made me who I am. I'm looking forward to this, even though half my classmates are already complaining about it. I already know that I will speak about my OCD, my undiagnosed BiPolar tendencies, My Phobias and Fears, The fact that I am afraid of a strong supportive relationship with a man, My insecurities with myself and life, My Depression, My issues with my father's death, and so much more.
Two things: The fear of a strong relationship with a man. My husband knows my past, there is no secrets between us. He knows that every relationship I have been in or seen others in have been drama and abusive. He knows that the women in my family seem to be cursed with well the men leaving them, cheating on them, or hurting them. I often pick fights with him over the smallest issue and usually they spiral out of control and he feels like he can't do it no more, but he always recovers and hugs me. I hate that I hurt him so much when I do this, it makes me want to cut myself again, but that hurts him so much more. More on that later, maybe
SEX:
Oh yes Sex.... No its not gonna be all Steamy and X Rated. Moreless I have issues with Sex. I have only been with one other man, besides my husband. I lost my virginity in March of 05 and Met my husband November of 05. I lost my virginity to an Asshole, who got me to experiment with drugs and just not be me. Sure he helped me get away from my mother's controlling eye, but he just led me down a dark road. I met my husband online, on Myspace. Yes, I know. OMG. lol. We were friends first and we did tons of things together as friends and getting to know each other. I first had sex with my husband in January of 06 and by April of 06, a year after losing my virginity, I was pregnant. Things went fast, but it worked for us cause we loved each other and everyday we love each other more and more.
My husband would love for me to be more open and more sexual, but its hard for me. He has been with over 15 girls before we got together and about 4 girls while we have been together. Yes I get SO jealous of him being with other girls and it sometimes starts a fight, but I get jealous cause I'm worried he'll leave me, even tho. he has swore he would never leave me. I'm working on getting over it and being more accepting. I rather the woman we allow to join us, be with me also. I'm positive if we share the woman I won't be faced with the fear, cause its sharing us all together and not just sharing one of us. I'll get into that much more much later, trust me.
But anyways, my husband wants me to be a sex demon, a nymph and I honestly want to be like that. I do, but I get started and then I stop and clam up and let him continue and follow him. I'm getting better at opening up more and telling him what I want and need. I do plan to include this in my paper for psych.
Well, I think thats it for now, I'm gonna end this post now.
^_^
So I'm in school for nursing and for my degree I have to take a bunch of classes. This is my third semester and I'm amazed at how smart I can be. I always believed my mother when she would tell me how stupid I was or so on. I never really tried in school or did my best, I did the minimal to pass and get out of school as fast as I could. Because of all that, My math skills suck, my vocabulary and grammar and spelling is just not at the level it should be. I've taken actually IQ test, administered by professionals and I am at a Genius level. In the Army I was given a battery of test and again, I was in the Genius level. I'm a Genius, I'm extremely street smart and full of talent. At a young age, I had invisible friends and was full of creativity.... Actually I still have an invisible friend and I'm still very creative. Don't tell anyone. LOL.
With going to college and actually having my husband support me and tell me I'm smart and be proud of me when I get an A on a Math Test, WOW. I'm focused on school and doing my very best and I'm seeing the results I know I can get, but instead of Junior High and High school and not getting the praise I crave, I'm getting it now. Hearing my husband is proud of me and him actually tell me how well I did and instead of calling me stupid for a mistake, he'll take the time to explain it and make me feel smart. The Last and Only time my mother has every told me she was proud of me, was when I was in the Army and it was only one time. My husband tells me he loves me and he's proud of me, everyday atleast once, but more often he says it all the time. His mother never said she loved him or she was proud of him, it was always you can do better, So I always let him know I love him, Our daughters love him, and that he is doing amazing. I'm sure in the future I will get more into this all.
SELF-DISCOVERY:
I'm taking Psychology this semester and instead of a final exam, we have to write a 9 page paper on ourselves and the Psych disorders and therapies that made us who we are today. Like Phobias, not having proper adult figures to learn from, and so on. So with this assignment, it's gonna open new doors for myself and urge me to discovery who I am, what made me who I am. I'm looking forward to this, even though half my classmates are already complaining about it. I already know that I will speak about my OCD, my undiagnosed BiPolar tendencies, My Phobias and Fears, The fact that I am afraid of a strong supportive relationship with a man, My insecurities with myself and life, My Depression, My issues with my father's death, and so much more.
Two things: The fear of a strong relationship with a man. My husband knows my past, there is no secrets between us. He knows that every relationship I have been in or seen others in have been drama and abusive. He knows that the women in my family seem to be cursed with well the men leaving them, cheating on them, or hurting them. I often pick fights with him over the smallest issue and usually they spiral out of control and he feels like he can't do it no more, but he always recovers and hugs me. I hate that I hurt him so much when I do this, it makes me want to cut myself again, but that hurts him so much more. More on that later, maybe
SEX:
Oh yes Sex.... No its not gonna be all Steamy and X Rated. Moreless I have issues with Sex. I have only been with one other man, besides my husband. I lost my virginity in March of 05 and Met my husband November of 05. I lost my virginity to an Asshole, who got me to experiment with drugs and just not be me. Sure he helped me get away from my mother's controlling eye, but he just led me down a dark road. I met my husband online, on Myspace. Yes, I know. OMG. lol. We were friends first and we did tons of things together as friends and getting to know each other. I first had sex with my husband in January of 06 and by April of 06, a year after losing my virginity, I was pregnant. Things went fast, but it worked for us cause we loved each other and everyday we love each other more and more.
My husband would love for me to be more open and more sexual, but its hard for me. He has been with over 15 girls before we got together and about 4 girls while we have been together. Yes I get SO jealous of him being with other girls and it sometimes starts a fight, but I get jealous cause I'm worried he'll leave me, even tho. he has swore he would never leave me. I'm working on getting over it and being more accepting. I rather the woman we allow to join us, be with me also. I'm positive if we share the woman I won't be faced with the fear, cause its sharing us all together and not just sharing one of us. I'll get into that much more much later, trust me.
But anyways, my husband wants me to be a sex demon, a nymph and I honestly want to be like that. I do, but I get started and then I stop and clam up and let him continue and follow him. I'm getting better at opening up more and telling him what I want and need. I do plan to include this in my paper for psych.
Well, I think thats it for now, I'm gonna end this post now.
^_^
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