So I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out and just really hating my life right now.
I'm so stressed out and depressed and just feeling lower then scum. I put too much pressure on myself, so when I fail it's the end of the world.
I got a stupid D in Chemistry, a D and that stupid fucking D has now turned my life upside down and destroyed it. I receive financial aid, cause without it, I can't afford to go to school. But because of that D I get placed on Probation, At first when I was registering it was no big deal and was just a warning. I was told it wouldn't effect my financial aid or how many classes I could take, just a warning to get my GPA up. NOW just today I get an Email saying I have to attend an online workshop, no problem did it. Then I'm told I can only do 10 credits and I have to drop a class. GREAT, still no huge deal, stressful yes. Then I'm told I get no financial aid for the semester and am basically screwed. HOW THE HELL DO I GET MY GPA UP WHEN THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME HELP! Without the financial aid I can not afford my books and supplies and can't afford my transportation or child care. So they want me to get my GPA up, but don't want to give me the help to do so. Just one little D screws me over and everything just falls apart. Hubby said without the financial aid we can't afford my schooling, due to the new cost of our house and new bills for the house.
So there we go, life sucks. I'm at the lowest I have been. Things just don't ever want to go good. And Hubby wonders why I'm always waiting for the end of a happy feeling. He doesn't understand that my whole life is a series of happy moments that turn into deep dark holes. He wonders why I don't want to be happy, why I'm fine being Ok.... Truth is I can't handle the holes, Before I would cut to deal with it, but seeing as it's not healthy and Hubby has made me swear to never do it, I'm suck actually feeling it. My chest hurts, my head hurts, I've thrown up blood due to a stomach ulcer from stress, and I just want to close my eyes and forget what I live.
It's times like these that I don't question why my father killed his self.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Happy Birthday.... to me....
Today, October 4th, I turned 26.... Guess who remembered? Well Lets see.... My Husband remembered and spoiled me, My Husband's family (Parents, and 2 Brothers) remembered, My Step-Cousin remembered, A bunch of my internet friends from when I was a teen remembered, MySpace remembered (LOL), And well my mom remembered at the last minute and reminded her parents.
I'm still waiting to hear from my Bio-Dad's family..... Actually still waiting for a happy birthday wish from Last year from them..... Waiting for Step-Dad to say anything....
It really hurts that my Bio-Dad's family forgets. They use to be the ones I could count on, the ones that always remembered and always where there for me. But things changed and after my Bio-Dad died it was like I died too. They'd forget me, forget to call me, or come see me. I was suddenly dead to them it seemed. I figured it was they felt guilty cause my Bio-Dad was never there for me, so they felt they needed to make up for his wrong doings and spoil me. They did a great job at it too, But then he died and it was like Oh well we don't owe her anything anymore, let's move on.
Well in doing so they completely made me feel even more alone. I had felt abandoned when my Bio-Dad killed his self, I felt like I was missing a piece of myself. Then his family abandoned me and that feeling of depression got deeper and I realized that I could no longer trust anyone since the ones I trusted most, abandoned me.... I am still learning to trust, but its a hard battle uphill and sometimes I fear I'm gonna roll back down head first.
SCHOOL:
Still haven't written my Psy Paper.... UGH..... School is going great and I am enjoying myself, but sometimes I feel like why try at all (Just my BiPolar getting me). I enjoy my classes and my classmates.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Unlike other teenagers, I wasn't able to get my license. We didn't have a car and I saw no point in getting something I could never use. Well I have a car now (Ok its my Husband's LOL) And after 4 years together I have decided to get my license. LOL. So as of October 6th I will be going for my DMV driving test, I have had my permit for a year. Wish me luck, Hopefully I will be a licensed driver with the rest of the adults. YAY ME.
lol
Heather
I'm still waiting to hear from my Bio-Dad's family..... Actually still waiting for a happy birthday wish from Last year from them..... Waiting for Step-Dad to say anything....
It really hurts that my Bio-Dad's family forgets. They use to be the ones I could count on, the ones that always remembered and always where there for me. But things changed and after my Bio-Dad died it was like I died too. They'd forget me, forget to call me, or come see me. I was suddenly dead to them it seemed. I figured it was they felt guilty cause my Bio-Dad was never there for me, so they felt they needed to make up for his wrong doings and spoil me. They did a great job at it too, But then he died and it was like Oh well we don't owe her anything anymore, let's move on.
Well in doing so they completely made me feel even more alone. I had felt abandoned when my Bio-Dad killed his self, I felt like I was missing a piece of myself. Then his family abandoned me and that feeling of depression got deeper and I realized that I could no longer trust anyone since the ones I trusted most, abandoned me.... I am still learning to trust, but its a hard battle uphill and sometimes I fear I'm gonna roll back down head first.
SCHOOL:
Still haven't written my Psy Paper.... UGH..... School is going great and I am enjoying myself, but sometimes I feel like why try at all (Just my BiPolar getting me). I enjoy my classes and my classmates.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Unlike other teenagers, I wasn't able to get my license. We didn't have a car and I saw no point in getting something I could never use. Well I have a car now (Ok its my Husband's LOL) And after 4 years together I have decided to get my license. LOL. So as of October 6th I will be going for my DMV driving test, I have had my permit for a year. Wish me luck, Hopefully I will be a licensed driver with the rest of the adults. YAY ME.
lol
Heather
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