So I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out and just really hating my life right now.
I'm so stressed out and depressed and just feeling lower then scum. I put too much pressure on myself, so when I fail it's the end of the world.
I got a stupid D in Chemistry, a D and that stupid fucking D has now turned my life upside down and destroyed it. I receive financial aid, cause without it, I can't afford to go to school. But because of that D I get placed on Probation, At first when I was registering it was no big deal and was just a warning. I was told it wouldn't effect my financial aid or how many classes I could take, just a warning to get my GPA up. NOW just today I get an Email saying I have to attend an online workshop, no problem did it. Then I'm told I can only do 10 credits and I have to drop a class. GREAT, still no huge deal, stressful yes. Then I'm told I get no financial aid for the semester and am basically screwed. HOW THE HELL DO I GET MY GPA UP WHEN THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME HELP! Without the financial aid I can not afford my books and supplies and can't afford my transportation or child care. So they want me to get my GPA up, but don't want to give me the help to do so. Just one little D screws me over and everything just falls apart. Hubby said without the financial aid we can't afford my schooling, due to the new cost of our house and new bills for the house.
So there we go, life sucks. I'm at the lowest I have been. Things just don't ever want to go good. And Hubby wonders why I'm always waiting for the end of a happy feeling. He doesn't understand that my whole life is a series of happy moments that turn into deep dark holes. He wonders why I don't want to be happy, why I'm fine being Ok.... Truth is I can't handle the holes, Before I would cut to deal with it, but seeing as it's not healthy and Hubby has made me swear to never do it, I'm suck actually feeling it. My chest hurts, my head hurts, I've thrown up blood due to a stomach ulcer from stress, and I just want to close my eyes and forget what I live.
It's times like these that I don't question why my father killed his self.
2 comments:
((hugs)) I have found that even in the most stressful of situations, these things work themselves out eventually.
The door might seem like it's shut right now but the window is still sort of cracked.
Hang in there.
Thanks. Hubby came home, put the kids down for naps and well made everything better. lol.
It's still very stressful, but atleast Hubby made me feel better, plus he says whatever we have to do, we will do to get my school done.
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