I don't know.... I mean I want it, but at the same time I don't. I want a normal life, I don't want to have to hide and I don't want my children to be outcast. As it is they already face ridicule due to have a white mom and a hispanic dad. I'm not sure if I want to add Poly to the plate.
I really want it.... I really desire it, but at the same time I'm torn to give my kids and life a normal existence. I've toyed with the idea of just having a girlfriend, not living with us, just having her on the side, but then that would be pretty messed up for her and I think she'd end up hating us and what we have with her not here.
Then I'm torn to be perfect, normal for my family. How can what my family think and want, still control me and dictate how I live my life.... It doesn't make me happy and I know that being unhappy is not healthy at all.
Then I'm a very jealous person.... I am the worse green eyed monster ever. It comes from never having anything and watching everyone else get what I wanted. So of course when I got something that is mine, I want to keep it for myself and not share. I'm so worried I'll either get possessive of my husband and not want to share him or get possessive of our wife and not want to share her. I'm scared of what I am capable of....
*sigh* I'm such an emotional wreck right now.
School, being sick, stress of life, fighting with Hubby over stupid crap, Christmas, just life is turned upside down and I'm an emotional wreck and just want to cry like I use to or worse go cut myself til I feel calm....
UGH..... Why me......
3 comments:
((((((((hugs))))))))))
It's natural to be questioning whether to even do this or not, it's a huge step!
I think your children will be just fine. They are blessed to have a great mom that has the weight of their world on her shoulders and is even questioning whether this is right for their future or not. Being poly is difficult, but it has it's blessings and it's nothing to be ashamed of or feel like you should have to hide.
Hang in there, stay strong and even though you are fighting with hubby, maybe talk to him about it and be totally honest with how you are feeling?
Thanks.
Me and Hubby have talked about all this, but he is no help. Ugh men. He just says, "It won't be like that, you won't be that jealous or possessive and if it happens, we'll deal with it."
So he's not much help in it. lol. Men
Eh, fuck the menfolk when it comes to this. Though it isn't fair to blame the males. What I really mean is, fuck everyone when it comes to this.
How you feel, and what you want and would be most comfortable with, is what's important. I mean, like you said, being unhappy is unhealthy. By that logic, your unhappiness is unhealthy for everyone around you. Therefore, isn't it in the best interest of not only you, but your loved ones around you, to be comfortable and happy?
Well, whatever. Maybe that is a question best left to the philosophers?
Either way, in the realm of PolyTown, EVERYONE has to agree, or else NO ONE does.
Or maybe, this is actually a question for Steady?
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